Saturday, January 27, 2007

The ‘Heels are the Scariest Team in America


Patrick Kendall

Anytime you can go into someone else’s home, a recent National Champion with a long legacy of success no less, coached by a Hall of Famer known for putting tough teams together on the floor, and hang the worst home loss in that Hall of Fame Coach’s career on that squad, then you are scary. Add in the fact that your second best player is not playing and now you have the stuff of nightmares – at least for every other team in the country.

Finally, we got to see the kind of Carolina team that people have been dreaming about since this recruiting class got to Chapel Hill and the future never looked better.

I hope that Joe Kim Noway and his boys down at Florida were watching this debacle I can almost hear the puckering now, followed by Billy Donovan being forced to take out his tape measure and do the Gene Hackman scene from ‘Hoosiers,’ “Ten feet. Same as back home…”

That’s the way it plays out in MY head.

Best of all, I got to see what the team will look like when Ty Lawson decides to run it like a point guard with the ability to get into the lane, score, or dish. Nice to see you, Mr. Lawson, I’ve heard a lot about you.

The problem with constantly gushing about UNC is that it is so easy. They’re deep. They’re fast. They’re strong. They have a great coach. (About the only thing they can’t do is pass Duke’s entrance exams and be called true student-athletes.)

So, how to find new angle on an old theme?

My answer? Let’s do a version of Trading Spouses (we’ll call it Trading Arm Chair Coaches)

Today’s player is Clint, one of the many fans who comments on my editorials.

*I do not know Clint so any similarities between my Clint and the one who responds to these articles is purely coincidental.

Here we go.

Fade In:

Int: Dean Dome

Where we watch as the UNC Tarheels take the court against the Arizona Wildcats. Coach Lute Olson sits with perfect white hair and a smart suit – epitome of class. On the other bench sits Clint, unshaven and wearing a badly stained Hooters sweatshirt. He sits with his hand in his pants (think Al Bundy). We see Lute walk over.

Lute Olson

Good luck, Coach.

He sticks his hand out. Coach Clint spits in his hand, then wipes his nose across his nasty sleeve.


Go f*ck yourself, you white-haired geezer.

Lute performs a perfect spinning back-fist that leaves Coach Clint with a “shiner” before tip-off. In the stands, the UNC AD rolls his eyes.


(to himself)


We are invited into the pre-game huddle and hear Coach Clint’s words of motivation.


These f*cknuts think they can play

basketball. Go out and rip their heads

off and sh*t down their necks!

The players stare at one another. Tyler Hansbrough clears his throat.


Uh, Coach? What kind of plays should

we run?

Coach Clint breaks his clipboard over Hansbrough’s head then benches his star for the game.


Anyone else feel like coaching?

All heads shake with fear and confusion. The game finally starts. Unfortunately, the Tar Heels, although the deepest and most talented team in the country, only know how to run a high school Flex offense, which ‘Zona shreds defensively, holding the ‘Heels to 9 points for the half, while running off 82 of their own.

During halftime, Coach Clint suspends all of his scholarship players and promotes the team manager, mascot and three of the male cheerleaders to the starting lineup. What follows is the most lopsided loss in the history of Division I basketball (or any division for the matter – the Globetrotters never won THIS big). Final score: 210 – 16. Coach Clint is fired immediately following the game. As he leaves the building he strikes a fan then starts a fight with the security personnel.

After watching the horror from his home in Kansas, Roy Williams makes a phone call then announces the next day that he will be the new head coach of the Tar Heels. They go on to win 19 straight before losing in Cameron. Ultimately they win the National Title and Coach Clint’s tenure as coach is stricken from all UNC records.

Clint serves 18 months in a minimum security facility, then takes a job at the University of Kentucky as their new head coach upon his release. He refuses to trade in his Hooters sweatshirt.

Fade to black.

Next week we’ll examine the coaching “strategies” of ChrisCreech.

In the meantime, rest, relax, and drink in the fact that this UNC team is playing like a team intent on reaching Atlanta, then taking that poor city in its Mansbrough-sized hand and throttling it into submission until it has no choice but to hand over the Championship trophy.

I predict that Mansbrough will be drinking his victory champagne from the severed head of Joe Kim Noway, even while his body continues to thump itself stupid as the cameras continue to roll.

That’s the way I see it anyway.

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